Auntie Kay Sleeps Around

(Photo: My Beautiful Nana)

According to Auntie Kay, she was one sweet piece of tail...uhhhh...if you know what I mean. And, yeah, I think you do! She was never shy in bragging about it either. It was mortifying, might I add. She spent a great deal of time letting everybody (and anybody) know how much more desirable she was than her sister, Dorothy. She would brag non stop about how many more suitors she had in comparison.

Now, Dorothy was my beloved Nana. My Mom's Mom. One of the classiest, beautiful woman I have ever known in my entire life. Nana came to live with us in the last few years before she would pass. She and I shared a room, and I would emulate her every move. She would sit in front of her mirrored vanity each night and brush her hair 100 strokes, religiously. So, I would sit on my bed and do the same. For her morning routine, she would sit in the same spot, brush her hair again, add a matching ribbon to her outfit, powder her flawless face with a big puff, add a dab of rouge from a beautiful compact, a touch of red lips, and exactly two squirts of Chanel #5 perfume. When she left the room, I would sit at the vanity in her place and pretend to do all the same things. I wanted to be just like her when I grew up. Never mind I was bigger than her by age 5... To this day the only perfume I wear is Chanel #5. Anyway, Auntie Kay's stories always freaked Nana out. Auntie Kay's "special" abilities would especially twist her up. Where Nana was shy and demure by nature, Auntie Kay was anything but! Nana would choose to basically ignore her, and explain to me that I would be best advised to do the same. If only Nana would have lived longer than my seven years, perhaps I would have been spared much of Auntie Kay's freakishness. But, that would not be life's plan...

One day, years after my Nana's death, Auntie Kay would throw a special luncheon. It was a luncheon in honor of my new step father to be, whom she had not yet met. His name was Michael, Mike as we would call him. My Mom had been more than concerned about their meeting, because Mike was a very dark skinned Portuguese. There was still a big stigma about racial blending back then. I can remember how nervous Mom had been on the way to the luncheon. But NOOOOOOOOO! Trust me! There would be no need for concern.

Mike was tall, dark, and I suppose very handsome...well, at least what he lacked in typical good looks, he made up for tenfold with oozing charm and flirtation. From the first time their eyes met, Auntie Kay would swoon!! And when I say swoon, I mean the full deal... the back of one hand to her forehead, while the other fanned her flushing cheeks. I'm pretty sure her knees buckled too. The luncheon would become awkward to say the least! Mike would play right into her hands, complimenting her on everything from her deviled eggs to her stunning beauty (?) to her almost unbearable piano playing. BARF!! Cocktails would be poured, and refilled, and refilled again... Auntie Kay would sit on his lap and giggle like a schoolgirl. They would dance round and round the living room, Mike twirling her, and dipping her, and shaking his hips like he was Tom Jones. Uncle Jim would sit on the couch and pretend to read, looking up from his bifocals now and again...no signs of jealousy really, more a sense of relief that she was taken off his hands for a while...

So, lunchtime rolls around, and it came as no surprise than Auntie Kay would rearrange the place settings so as Mike could sit next to her. From that vantage point, she was able to trail her stubby little fingers up and down his thigh, while laughing wildly at his every comment. Sheesh, how I thought I would just DIE! Or, perhaps WISHED I would. ;) Mom didn't seem to mind one lick though. She was just sooooo happy he was obviously being accepted...

Well, somewhere around dessert, the announcement would come. Auntie Kay would sit everyone down, and filled with extreme excitement, she would announce..."I know this might come as a shock to you all, but we have a confession to make... As I'm sure you are all aware, there is a chemistry between Michael and I that can't be denied. And the reason is...(drum roll if you will)...we used to be LOVERS!!" Uhhhhh...WTF?? That's right, I said it. LOVERS!! "Now, before anybody gets the wrong idea," she would continue, "it wasn't in THIS life. Oh, heavens no! It was in one of our PAST lives! And it was more passionate than you could possibly imagine! OH, what love we made!!" Tipsy Mike would play right into this crazy ass delusion. And me?...I would take my dessert outside (and a couple of extras) and wait until it was time to go home.

Years would pass. There would come another special luncheon. This time to introduce Auntie Kay to my then fiancee Patrick. And guess what? ....Go ahead, GUESS!!! Yep! She had slept with him in another life too! hmmmmmm....go figure! Except this time, she would call me to her house days later. There was something very important she needed to discuss with me...a concern she had about Patrick. A concern she had specifically about his boring "moves", if you will. And it was this conversation that sent goosebumps down my spine.... for dear Auntie Kay knew "things" she should have NO WAY of knowing. Things that, to this very day, can only make me believe...that she indeed, had been Patrick's lover... F'ing, creepy, Creepy, CREEPY!!!