How crazy does crazy really come? How old are you the first time you realize somebody (everybody?) in your family is wacko? Let's face it, it's often a little murky. It's not like a family member makes an official announcement at the big annual Easter gathering...right? Well, unless you were in my family that is! Seriously, somebody just cling-clinged a wine glass and said something like "Aunt Kay is frickin' nuttier than a fruitcake!" Me, being pudgy little five year old me, starts scanning the buffet tables for fruitcake. Hmmmmmm....no fruitcake there. Guess I better go straight to the source and ask Auntie Kay. I figure if she didn't know where it was, at least it sounded like maybe she had a bunch of nuts. I mean, right? I'm fat and five and I heard "nuts" and "fruitcake" and "Aunt Kay". So anyway, I find Auntie Kay out back in her perfectly manicured yard. She's weaving in and out of my brothers croquet game and telling them to be careful where they stepped. So, I skip out there in my new patten leather Mary Jane shoes, being super careful not to get any shit on them (of course it didn't really make any sense there would be any, since apparently her two dachshunds only shit in the house, but anyway...) "Auntie Kay?", I begin as I caught up to her. "Oh my Sweetheart!" she says, "Did you come to help your Auntie Kay look?" I assume we're looking for fruitcake. I mean, right?...or at least I'm hoping for cashews. (MMMMMMM, I love me some cashews!!) But she's studying the ground, real focused like, and kicking the grass around. WTF? Then she whispers to me something like "Go look carefully around the flower beds. Look for where the dirt has been disturbed", she instructs. "You can tell if it's been dug up and somebody tried to cover their tracts." Then she winks. It took a couple seconds, but all at once it hit me... Oh My Gawd! EASTER EGG HUNT TIME!!!! WooooooooooHooooooo! And I'm thinking, they actually buried the eggs this year!?!? Sneaky, Sneaky! Better yet, my stupid brothers have no clue. They've heard squat of this. Hehehehe... This hunt was in the basket (so to speak)! MY basket!! So, I start looking for tore up pieces of yard like nobodies business! Ohhhhhhh I hope I uncover the chocolate ones, the chocolate ones, the chocolate ones! I see a chunk of suspicious grass clod to my left. I drop down and start digging with my hands like I'm looking for China...
O.K. Let me just pause here for a minute. Ah, great, great, Great Auntie Kay. What a specimen she was. I just sorta thought in the beginning that everybody had one like her. All 4' 6" of her... looking freakishly like the doppleganger of that little lady in the Amityville movie who keeps wanting Carol Ann to "come to the light". That little face of hers scrunched up so tight she could pick her nose with tongue...literally. Speaking of which, why she'd show this sideshow act to anyone is still beyond me. And to think she wondered why my brothers and I only kissed her on the cheek?? Anyway, back to that Easter...
So, after I get my ass kicked for digging up Auntie Kay's back yard and getting my handmade Easter dress all muddy, the police show up. Just GREAT!! No chocolate eggs. No fruitcake. Not so much as a stinking cashew. Just an ass whippin', and now I'm getting arrested?? But not to worry. They head for her. The sweet little old lady swinging the crystal over her head and screeching something about the pretty little girls body buried out back...then blah, blah this, and blah, blah that, and would the nice officers like some cocktails or perhaps some ham? O.K....wait...WHAT?? That's right, I said it! "Body" and "Pretty little girl"! WTF? Poor Uncle Jim is chasing her around with a handful of pills, begging her to take them. He's dropping some on the floor and I'm thinking I'll take them if she doesn't want them because they look kinda like M&M's. All the adults look worried and they're following the police, who are in front of Uncle Jim, who's chasing Auntie Kay, who's now running out back, still swinging that damn crystal....
Anyway... Sheesh! Forgive me. I haven't even formally introduced myself to you. It's just that I didn't really know where to begin my blog... And now? Now I have to go pop a Valium...and can any of you really blame me? Truth being, I lost my job and with it went the medical insurance, and with that went the shrink. So it's come to this. I am officially a blogger!
I hope you'll join me again soon. Until then, enjoy your family! ;)
O.K. Let me just pause here for a minute. Ah, great, great, Great Auntie Kay. What a specimen she was. I just sorta thought in the beginning that everybody had one like her. All 4' 6" of her... looking freakishly like the doppleganger of that little lady in the Amityville movie who keeps wanting Carol Ann to "come to the light". That little face of hers scrunched up so tight she could pick her nose with tongue...literally. Speaking of which, why she'd show this sideshow act to anyone is still beyond me. And to think she wondered why my brothers and I only kissed her on the cheek?? Anyway, back to that Easter...
So, after I get my ass kicked for digging up Auntie Kay's back yard and getting my handmade Easter dress all muddy, the police show up. Just GREAT!! No chocolate eggs. No fruitcake. Not so much as a stinking cashew. Just an ass whippin', and now I'm getting arrested?? But not to worry. They head for her. The sweet little old lady swinging the crystal over her head and screeching something about the pretty little girls body buried out back...then blah, blah this, and blah, blah that, and would the nice officers like some cocktails or perhaps some ham? O.K....wait...WHAT?? That's right, I said it! "Body" and "Pretty little girl"! WTF? Poor Uncle Jim is chasing her around with a handful of pills, begging her to take them. He's dropping some on the floor and I'm thinking I'll take them if she doesn't want them because they look kinda like M&M's. All the adults look worried and they're following the police, who are in front of Uncle Jim, who's chasing Auntie Kay, who's now running out back, still swinging that damn crystal....
Anyway... Sheesh! Forgive me. I haven't even formally introduced myself to you. It's just that I didn't really know where to begin my blog... And now? Now I have to go pop a Valium...and can any of you really blame me? Truth being, I lost my job and with it went the medical insurance, and with that went the shrink. So it's come to this. I am officially a blogger!
I hope you'll join me again soon. Until then, enjoy your family! ;)
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment